Trust Me Sample

TRUST ME

also by Joseph Myers The Search to Belong Organic Community

also by Kevin Baird Whole

TRUST ME discovering

trust in a culture of distrust

hat

Joseph R. Myers with Kevin Baird and Dr. Jesus Jara

Published by

Meteor Education Publishing (MEpub)

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permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other

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MEpub / Meteor Education Publishing is a division or Meteor Education. The name and logo are trademarks of

Meteor Education.

Published in association with the literary agency of Mark Oestreicher.

The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher. Readers should

be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or

disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read.

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. Stories within may

sound like your story and probably are yours and hundreds of others.

Cover and internal design: Joseph R. Myers

Illustrations: Michael Lagocki

ISBN

Paperback: 978-1-7334334-8-8 E-Book: 978-1-7334334-9-5

Printed in the United States of America

this book is dedicated to: Gail Hamilton who exhibited healthy distrust and healthy trust

Praise for Trust Me:

Diving right in with a story from his own life to illustrate the key concept that we can trust and distrust at the same time, Joseph Myers takes on a deep dive into one of the most important topics of our time. Trust Me is thoughtful, well- researched and readable as it explores how trust and distrust operate in our lives, and how to build, strengthen, and maintain it in the relationships that matter to us. I highly recommend Trust Me as a great addition to the growing list of must-read books on this subject. - Charles Feltman, author The Thin Book of Trust 2nd edition Trust Me is an indispensable guide for anyone seeking to cultivate trust within teams. With his remarkable ability to translate cutting-edge brain science into actionable strategies, Myers presents a captivating and practical toolkit that has become my go-to resource. Whether you’re looking to build trust from scratch or mend fractured relationships, this book equips you with the essential insights and techniques necessary for success. -Rex Miller, renowned expert in optimizing human and team performance, strategic foresight, and organizational transformation. Five-time, International award winning Wiley Author, author. “Trust is the essential base layer for all relationships, whether in the workplace or beyond. Trust Me is an essential, practical guide for understanding the nature of trust (and distrust), and more importantly how to build deep, trustworthy connections with others and yourself.” -Todd Henry, Author of Herding Tigers “Joseph Myers has a knack for turning a subject inside out like a sock, and then knocking our socks off with his original takes, aired-out perspectives and brilliant brainstorms. Trust Me takes arguably the #1 issue of our time, trust, and revolutionizes how we look at it and live by it.”

- Leonard Sweet, best-selling author, professor, publisher, podcaster and chief contributor to PreachTheStory.com

Trust Me

Trust Me takes on the timely topic of trust and turns our conventional thinking upside down. This book breaks down our personal role in developing individual and collective trust and explores the intricacies of the trust continuum. Taking a proactive and understanding approach, readers can apprehend the nuances of trust/distrust and ways to build a trusting culture and connection. -LindaGail Walker, author of Surviving the Storm: Leading through Post-Traumatic Growth “I’ve been a part of and built teams for years – trust always comes up as the foundation of a strong team, and while everyone agrees with that, the actual steps to understand trust and distrust, measure, and continually build trust throughout the duration of the time together eludes even the highest performing teams – until now. Trust Me takes the complexities of trust and presents them in a way that can be understood and applied by all, truly making trust an intentional effort. From the flywheel to his practical way to measure trust to the relational stages, Joseph breaks the mystical nature of trust and gives team members a path to follow to truly understand, build, and reinforce trust.” - Kyle Majchrowski Founder, Ripple Intent

Discovering Trust in a Culture of Distrust

F or additional information and resources scan the QR code above

Trust Me

Thank You

A work that develops over decades has many contributors: those who knowingly and unknowingly found their way into the fabric of this book. It would be impossible to thank each one, yet each one brought insight, wisdom, artifacts, and the magic of Trust and Distrust. We thank our families and friends who put up with the undying pursuit to collect the pieces of this puzzle. We thank our coworkers and colleagues for their patience and encouragement. We thank all the strangers who unknowingly allowed us to watch how they journeyed through Trust and Distrust. To all our most profound thanks! To the extraordinary people who worked tirelessly to make this work into a book: Johno, Ainsley, Jennifer, and Marko, we thank you for your amazing belief and labor. Bill and the Meteor family, thank you for your faith and for cheerleading this work forward.

Discovering Trust in a Culture of Distrust

Preface As a business owner serving the educational K-12 textbook and teacher resource market, trust has always been at the forefront of my mind. Trust is a fundamental aspect of any successful business, and building and maintaining trust is essential in the world of education. However, my journey has led me to question and challenge common assumptions about trust and distrust, particularly in the wake of a personal experience that shattered trust in my own life. In this book, I share my observations and insights into the complex nature of trust and distrust. It all started with a realization that trust and distrust are not two sides of the same coin but rather separate entities that operate independently and react to different stimuli. I discovered that trust is processed in the prefrontal cortex of the brain, where complex decision-making occurs, while distrust is processed in the amygdala, the primitive part responsible for our fight-or-flight response. Simply, we decide to trust, and we feel distrust. Through research and personal observations, I came to understand that trust and distrust have distinctive languages, motivators, and triggers. Factors such as gender, personality type, past trauma, and demographic backgrounds further shape our interpretations and responses to trust and distrust. It became clear that trust is a dynamic force, begetting trustworthiness and driving positive relationships, while the absence of

Trust Me

trust leads to apathy and erodes the foundations of interactions and transactions. In today’s world, characterized by rapid technological advancements and a shifting cultural landscape, the concept of trust is more crucial than ever. Trust in traditional institutions has been shaken, and we find ourselves grappling with a perceived “trust crisis.” However, amidst the uncertainty and contradictions, trust remains a cornerstone for building healthy and productive relationships. Understanding the dynamics of trust and learning to navigate the complexities of trust and distrust interactions is vital. Throughout this book, we will explore the multifaceted nature of trust and its far-reaching impact in various domains. From personal relationships to business success, trust plays a central role in achieving our goals. We will delve into the Trust Flywheel, a tool for intentionally building and maintaining trust, and examine the detrimental effects of a lack of trust. By redefining trust’s relationship with distrust, we gain a fresh perspective on this powerful force and its potential to transform our lives and society. This book aims to provide insights and practical guidance for individuals seeking to cultivate trust, both personally and professionally. By understanding the intricate workings of trust and learning how to navigate the complexities of trust and distrust, we can forge meaningful connections, foster growth, and thrive in a world that relies on trust more than ever before. So, join me on this journey as we unravel the mysteries of trust and discover how it can shape our lives, relationships, and the

world around us. Joseph R. Myers

Discovering Trust in a Culture of Distrust

Kevin Baird and Dr. Jesus Jara kindly contributed their insights, wisdom, and experience throughout the book. In addition, at the end of each chapter you’ll find the Guide Dog symbol indicating their direct writing.

Trust Me

C ontents

P reface

vii

I ntro : T rust M e : Y ou C an ’ t T rust M e

H ow the B rain P rocesses T rust and D istrust

1: T rust M e : I t ’ s N ot J ust I n Y our H ead

N o O ne T rusts A ny L onger

2: T rust M e : I t ’ s a D ogfight

T he P ersonalities of D istrust

3: T rust M e : S ize M atters

M easuring T rust

4: T rust M e : I t ’ s A ll A bout M omentum

T he T rust F lywheel

xxx

5: T rust M e : I L et Y ou D own

D ealing W ith B roken T rust

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6: T rust M e : I t ’ s Y ou

D eveloping S trong S elf -T rust

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7: T rust M e : W e ’ re I n T his T ogether

B uilding a C ulture of T rust

xxx

Discovering Trust in a Culture of Distrust

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xiv

Trust Me: You Can’t Trust Me!

How the Brain Processes Trust and Distrust

Trust me, there have been seasons in my life where the last thing you’d want to do is trust me. In the mid-1980s during heated conversations with my now ex- wife, she would exclaim, “How can I ever trust you again!?... You’ve broken my trust…I can’t trust you with anything!” The conversation would go on for several minutes and then end in tears. “How can I stay with someone I can’t trust? It will take years, or maybe never, for me to trust you again.” She was right. I had severely broken her trust, and it would be “never” before she would trust me again. However, it was because of this “never” that what happened next confused and intrigued me: In the midst of distrust’s debilitating pain, my ex nonetheless handed me her most prized possession: a little girl clutching a pink, child-sized My Little Pony suitcase, our daughter . How could she vow to never again believe anything I ever said and yet still have confidence in me with our daughter? Can high levels of trust and distrust exist at the same time?

How the Brain Processes Trust and Distrust

These thoughts were counter to the way I’d learned that trust worked. Yet as I continued to watch and experience how this worked in real life, I couldn’t help but question common “truths” of trust. Statements like, “It takes time to rebuild trust once broken” seemed unlikely when an action of trust would immediately follow. “I can’t trust you with anything” was increasingly confusing as I witnessed a trust leap in the next encounter. My tragic divorce altered my life’s path in many significant ways. It changed the way I observed the world and those around me. I began gaining new insights into how people belong and build community, how organic systems are sometimes altered into fabricated institutional systems, and how observing people, with as little bias as possible, leads to unconventional understandings of the natural universe. 1 The system of trust and distrust is no different. Separating trust from distrust was the first disruptive observation and has (so far) taken the longest to develop and understand. Trust And Distrust are Separate Entities At first, it seemed absurd to consider trust and distrust as two separate, unattached entities. I understood trust and distrust as opposite ends of one spectrum, or balancing on a scale. It seemed obvious that if you have more of one, you would have less of the other. But the more I let myself observe people’s actions, free of mainstream presuppositions, the more it became clear: trust and distrust operate independently, react to different stimuli, and speak different languages. However, beyond my personal observations, the existing research consistently married trust and distrust as two sides of the same coin. Until recently, there wasn’t “hard evidence” that these two

Trust Me

concepts should be considered as detached and studied individually. The more I researched, the crazier I felt. I took long breaks from reading the experts to observe people in everyday situations. These anecdotal observations continued to confirm my theory that trust and distrust are experienced and implemented separately.

Executive Brain • Build and sustain trust

• Problem solving • Focus on goals • Ability to socialize

Prefrontal Cortex

Primitive Brain • Distrust

• Survival instinct • Win at all cost • Safety

Amygdala

Over the last few years, significant discoveries have advanced the mainstream understanding about how the brain processes our emotions, decisions, and actions. Scientists have discovered the brain processes trust and distrust from two separate zones. Trust is processed in the prefrontal cortex, while distrust is processed in the amygdala. Both of these areas have significantly different purposes. The prefrontal cortex is where the mind makes decisions based on complex logical thought. It’s where we assemble the puzzle pieces of life into an order that generates a path or conclusion ending in a relationship. The amygdala, on the other hand, is the primitive, fight-flight-or-freeze response part of our brain. It processes feelings instinctively. It is the “Guard Dog” of our mind—more on that in Chapter 2.

How the Brain Processes Trust and Distrust

These two regions of the brain process our reactions to the world differently. They are motivated to action by different incentives and have distinctive native languages. For example, the amygdala responds in nanoseconds to the facial features of an oncoming stranger to determine whether or not to distrust. By contrast, the prefrontal cortex takes its time to engage, while it curates a list of reasons one might begin to trust. The prefrontal cortex responds to trust symbols like a uniform or a religious icon, while the amygdala “hears” warning signals, alerting us to what the amygdala views as high-risk traits, such as covering up with a hoodie in broad daylight or standing too close for comfort. We must point out, and will discuss further later, that sometimes our amygdala decides to warn us about something that is not actually a danger because of a previous unsafe or undesirable experience. In addition to trust and distrust operating in different parts of the brain, gender, personality type, past trauma, generation, race, wealth status, and other demographic factors nuance how we interpret, feel, and respond. Men and women trust and distrust differently. Thus, when trust is broken and in need of repair, each gender looks for different iconography for restoration. Similarly, different personalities respond to triggers of trust and distrust according to their type. Someone who grew up in the city looks for different markers of trustworthiness than someone who grew up in a rural area, and on and on. We’ll talk more about those differences in Chapter 5. A Complex Trust Crisis? Maybe more than ever we are confronted with complex situations that require both trust and distrust. In conjunction with rapidly accelerating technologies, over the last hundred years in the West we have seen tectonic cultural shifts, blurring our trust

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in traditionally trustworthy institutions. Headline-makers and their advertisers cultivate our feelings of distrust and make money off of the fear that accompanies it. News outlets, thought leaders, and researchers have crescendoed their diagnosis: we are living through a “trust crisis.” Over the decades, the U.S. has been shaken by national financial meltdowns and betrayed by representatives we elected, religious leaders who are corrupt or impotent in the face of crisis, and increasing misinformation and manipulation from the Fourth Estate. 2 As we observe trust and distrust interactions processed in the exploding digital world, we find ourselves cartographers armed with paper maps for a flat earth. Who can we trust? When we believe we can only choose to trust or distrust, our fear is that we can trust no one. If trust and distrust are two ends of the same spectrum, then obviously we can only distrust our environment and the people around us in this time of crisis. This prospect is frightening and exhausting, especially because we instinctively want to trust and have trusting relationships we can rely on! When we trust a person or organization and they let us down, it makes us think we are a bad judge of character - which can make us feel unsafe with our own judgments. (Making space for our own healthy distrust, at the same time as we are choosing to build trust in a relationship, is an essential skill we’ll talk about in Chapter 6.) At the core of all this we wonder, “Can it be fixed?” Can we ever trust a president again? Will the media regain the trusted “Cronkite” status they once enjoyed? Can we trust our financial future to banks and Wall Street? Can we ever rely on a spiritual leader or group to care for us and have the answers we need? In spite of how you may be feeling after reading all that, the answer to these questions is a resounding “Yes!” Trust is stronger than

How the Brain Processes Trust and Distrust

ever. As I observe individuals going about their daily lives, I witness an abundance of trust. We are trusting and trustworthy. We might distrust institutions and organizations more than our grandparents and great-grandparents, but we haven’t given up on trusting individuals, even strangers, with life’s everyday goings- on. The more we understand that our brains actually trust and distrust at the same time, the more we’ll be able to navigate the current “trust crisis.”

“Why? Because without trust, and without an understanding of how it is built, managed, lost, and repaired, a society cannot survive, and it certainly cannot thrive. Trust is fundamental to almost every action, relationship and transaction. The emerging trust shift isn’t simply the story of a dizzying upsurge in technology or the rise of new business models. It’s a social and cultural revolution. It’s about us. And it matters.” 3

The more we learn about trust, the more we may become convinced it is a magical remedy that can heal everything from interpersonal relationships to world economies. In almost every field of study, trust is one of the key lubricants for success. If you want to create a good family, raise great children, or get along with your in-laws, trust is the foundational element. It stands above love, compassion, safety, and provision. If you want to build a successful business, trust is the cornerstone you will need. Want an economic system with sustainable growth? You guessed it, trust is an essential component. Do you want to become a great leader? More than any other factor, obtaining people’s trust will not only let you achieve your goal, but will allow you to remain their leader through thick and thin.

Trust Me

Trust is dynamic As we will unravel later, trust begets trust, which begets trustworthiness. This equation is society’s most valuable power plant. In Chapter 4, we will study the Trust Flywheel, a tool for intentionally engaging the process of developing trust in relationships. Trust momentum needs to be continually fed by this process, and that momentum helps in healing broken trust, and strengthening trust over time. A parent, political candidate, teacher, or leader who exhibits that they can trust will in turn be trusted, and that process brands them trustworthy. In every connection, from personal to institutional to societal, trust is the key indicator and predictor of health. Conversely, the lack of trust is devastating. A deficiency in trust nourishes apathy. The lack of trust not only inhibits success, but an ever-increasing distrust erodes the underpinnings of transactions and interactions and leaves relationships void of “relations.” Peer into any fragmented home, marriage, government, or world system and you’ll find the absence of trust and an increasing presence of distrust. Trust is a hot topic globally as historically reliable institutions of trust are increasingly not trustworthy. “Like the plot of some overblown soap opera or Jacobean tragedy, the episodes of unethical behaviour have come thick and fast, from the lurid, even criminal, to the just plain stupid and, sadly, routine. Each has chipped away at public confidence. The British MPs ’ expenses scandal ; the false intelligence about weapons of mass destruction ( WMDs ) ; Tesco’s horsemeat outrage ; price gouging by big pharma ; the BP Deepwater Horizon oil spill ; the dishonours of FIFA’s bribery ; Volkswagen’s ‘ dieselgate ’ ; major data breaches from companies such as Sony , Yahoo ! and Target ;

How the Brain Processes Trust and Distrust

the Panama Papers and widespread tax avoidance; the exchange - rate manipulation by the world’s largest banks ; Brazil’s Petrobras oil scandal ; the lack of an effective response to the refugee crises; and , last but not least , shocking revelations of widespread abuse by Catholic priests , other clergy and other ‘ care ’ institutions . No wonder a thousand headlines lament that nobody trusts authority any more. Corruption, elitism, economic disparity-and the feeble responses to all of the above-have pummeled traditional trust in the old institutions as fiercely as a brutal wind lashing ancient oaks.” 4 We’re seemingly surrounded by overwhelming evidence that the world and those in it cannot be trusted. A “trust crisis”? Quite possibly. Are trust behaviors and historic trust centers fluctuating? No question. And in the midst of all this uncertainty and contradiction, trust remains an essential building block for every relationship. Defining trust and distrust, then, becomes not only the goal of this book, but the goal for anyone pursuing healthy and productive relationships. A Relationship with the Unknown Until now, the tools available to us have made defining trust as challenging as walking through a minefield. Each “exploding” definition exposes only the part of the field it’s “protecting.” The good news: it’s all within a tiny field. Whether in sociology, economics, education, relationships, or any other field of study, more research has been conducted on the subject of trust than the examination of any other relational component. Confidence, reliability, contract of hoped guarantees, a conduit, a lubricant, and yearned expectations all are words (or concepts) that have made their way into definitions of trust. Rachel Botsman’s simple definition is helpful and precise. “Trust is a confident relationship with the unknown.” 5

Trust Me

Obviously, trust is a multifaceted notion. It doesn’t have a single definition that works for all situations. Much like love, trust is something people apparently “know when they see (experience) it.” It’s gooey. Yet, it has more substance and influence than any other relational component. There are many good resources you can use to dive deeper into the definition of trust. While trust is one of the topics of this book, the relationship between trust and distrust is the distinguishing theme. So, what about distrust? What is the definition of distrust? We now know it’s not simply the opposite of trust. So how should we define it? Distrust is distinctly different from the “opposite of trust.” The opposite of trust is the lack or absence of trust. Trust’s opposite is low trust: the lack of confidence, reliability, contract of hoped guarantees... you get the idea, and that is not the same as distrust. You can lack confidence in someone without distrusting them. And you can distrust someone personally, but trust them to uphold a business contract. As we mentioned, trust and distrust are detached. They are not different sides of the same coin. The mind processes them from different areas of the brain. Therefore, they have different motivators, languages, triggers, and purposes. Therefore, we can experience both at the same time, toward the same person, scenario, or institution. Trust: Redefined As noted earlier, trust is processed in the prefrontal cortex of the brain. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for rational (and sometimes not so rational) calculated thoughts. The prefrontal cortex is the forward part of the frontal lobe. It’s behind your eyes and forehead. This brain region is occupied with planning complex

How the Brain Processes Trust and Distrust

cognitive behavior, expressing personality, making decisions, and moderating social behavior. It is the great conductor of the orchestra of the mind. It takes what it receives from the rest of the brain and decides how to act, react, and differentiate between dissonant thoughts. Distrust, on the other hand, is processed in the amygdala. This primitive area influences both left and right hemispheres of the brain, and responds to important, or seemingly important, environmental stimuli. For example, in dangerous situations, the amygdala kicks into action and encourages our fight-or-flight response. “If the amygdala perceives a correspondence between the record of experiences in the hippocampus and incoming information, and judges that the stimulus warrants a fight, flight, or freeze response, then it will trigger the hypothalamic—pituitary— adrenal (HPA) axis and ‘hijack’ the prefrontal cortex (PFC), partly in the form of blood flow being redirected from the PFC to the limbic system.” 6 The amygdala is the “first responder” of our brain and is in control of our “early warning system” when a quick protective reaction is needed. What do we learn from this exploration of how the brain works? Simply, we decide to trust, and we feel distrust. One of the technologies that can help us understand and feel confident (and less confused!) about how we experience trust and distrust is a system for measuring. In Chapter 3, we dive into the three containers we use to measure trust. Identifying each and knowing why we measure with this framework reduces confusion and helps us identify how to develop trust in each container.

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Trust and distrust, then, are not opposites. In fact, they can be allies: they can work in harmony to secure trustworthiness. They are very independent and sometimes fight. They can both be dominant and both be submissive. However, when working for the same healthy goal together, they are our best tools for secure, productive, fulfilling relationships. Thus, I will add to Rachel Botsman’s excellent definition: Trust is a confident relationship with the unknown, and a guiding distrust of the known. The Currency of Interactions There’s nothing that compares with the destructive nature of broken trust within society, organizations, and relationships. Encouragingly, there’s nothing that equals the strength of the bonds between us when we do trust each other. Trust is our most fragile and most precious asset. The more we trust, the more empathetic we are with one another, and the more we trust, the more trustworthy we become to those around us. Trust is a powerful societal glue. It builds the roads to stronger societies, better organizations, and richer relationships. “Money may be the currency of transactions, but trust is the currency of interactions.” 7 There may be no better way to express our humanity than this. However, we should not be naive when we decide to trust. How can we trust with confidence? The answer is found as we separate the roles of trust and distrust. Healthy distrust offers a safe starting point, and provides the Trust Flywheel with the friction needed to make a strong decision to trust. We must understand that distrust is a necessary ally to trust. We cannot safely trust without healthy distrust. The goal is not to eliminate all distrust. Instead, our goal is to move distrust from a reactive “Guard Dog” to a well-trained “Guide Dog.”

How the Brain Processes Trust and Distrust

As we traverse the next seven chapters, we begin to reframe our language. “I don’t trust you!” doesn’t equal “I distrust you.” Likewise, “I trust you” doesn’t mean that I have little or no distrust in you. I’ve painstakingly tried to be precise and break the limiting chains of this kind of language. It is important to separate the two because doing so gives us the power to heal and repair relationships that have been severed by broken trust. If our only option lies within a single spectrum of trust to distrust, we are held hostage by the emotions of our amygdala or the calculated process of the prefrontal cortex: one constantly pushing the other out to take dominance. Having the freedom to hold a high level of distrust while deciding to trust again gives us the

authority and control to heal and sustain trust relationships. Trust and distrust are not at war. They are allies. Together they take us by each hand and walk us into a healthy and hopeful culture of trust.

Trust Me

Trust and distrust are essential for every interaction, every connection, and every transaction. It’s crucial we develop a complete understanding of how trust and distrust are developed, repaired, and sustained. Trust Me re-imagines how trust and distrust collaborate to protect, enhance, and stabilize our lives…together.

Our mission is to inspire a genuine shift in how educators perceive and engage with the educational environment. This book uncovers a vital but often overlooked aspect of this environment—one that remains hidden from plain sight. You may not witness it unfolding in

real-time, yet its impact is undeniably real. It pulsates through the fabric of education, and that force is trust. Trust represents the result of intricate biological processes occurring within two regions of the brain: the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. Let’s face it: educators are incredibly busy. Heck, the whole world seems to be in a perpetual rush these days. When was the last time you actually had the time to read an entire book, cover to cover? It’s been a while, hasn’t it? We get it. That’s why this book takes a different approach. We want to make things easier for educators. You can quickly scan through and see if any eye-catching headers resonate with you. But we don’t stop there. We give you clear directions—this is what to do—and break down the implications—this is what it means—for your school. Trust Me is designed to be super easy to grasp, highly practical, and incredibly useful in your everyday teaching journey.

How the Brain Processes Trust and Distrust

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